Saint Sir Bob Geldof nobly responds to Africa’s plea “Come help us, we are incapable of sorting out our own problems”

My hero Harry S from 1D indicating how many pounds he will be donating from his net worth of £115 million. Love this guy .

Once again we see the Christmas themed celebrity circle jerk being organised by Bob Geldof. He is aiming to raise money to stop the spread of Ebola in West Africa by re-re-leasing the song “Do they know it’s Christmas?” Which still of course, remains a contentious question. I wonder have the 210 million Christians in Nigeria, Ethiopia and DR Congo finally worked out when it’s actual Christmas? Get your shit together guys, Santa is getting real pissed that you still don’t know it’s Christmas. Maybe Sir Bob should add some calendars to send them so we can stop asking this question. Although changing it to “They have now finally worked when it’s Christmas” doesn’t have the same “pity those poor wretched souls” listless sadness vibe to it.

It’s times like this we see clearly why Bob is now Sir Bob. Upon accepting his knighthood he had to vow to continue the historic tradition of being a paternalistic and patronising prick to all former colonies. Let’s face it, a “knight in shining denim” is exactly what these incapable Africans need to help them deal with stuff they just can’t deal with. Through “Live Aid” 30 years ago Sir Bob fed them. 8 years ago he got loads of people to “think about them” whilst clicking their fingers. This time he is going to cure them. The man knows no bounds.

Now some cynics may argue that if Sir Bob really just wanted to raise money he could do it without anyone knowing. By pestering some of his rich friends like Bono, Sting and the Queen to make a tithe of their global money making empires he could then just donate the money anonymously.  Instead of shamelessly squeezing a few quid from Britain’s working poor, on a guilt trip he should be feeling not them. But to the cynics I remind them this isn’t just about money .This  it’s about  about the important cause of raising the public’s awareness of  how caring and benevolent todays super rich pop stars are . They took at least half a day off to come down to Kensington to have their picture taken and from what I read in “Hello” they all gave a 10% reduction off the normal appearance fees .If that’s not caring, I don’t know what is.

Event such as these give these uber rich pop stars an opportunity to lessen their drug supressed deep seated  guilt about the fact they undeservingly  stinking rich while 2/3s of the world lives in abject poverty. Surely that’s a cause worth getting behind?  Red nose day, Remembrance day, breast cancer awareness fun runs, all provide them a wonderful opportunity to feel pretty chuffed about how caring they are without actually having to give a penny of their immense riches. It also give them a nice bump in iTunes downloads.  It’s win/win all round.  It’s also good to note the same air of self-congratulating “pat on the back” grandiosity that the 80s celebrities waltzed in with, seems to match perfectly with the self-loving celebs of today , minus the closeted homosexuals, perms and bouffants.( Also is it me or has Bob Geldof look 60 years old for the past 30 years? He must have Botoxed that wino-chic look in years ago)

Yet the Christmas Grinch’s just can’t let Bob and Bono “Bobo” just get on and do their saintly work (funnily enough Bobo is Spanish for stupid.) Then they rabbit on that songs like this neglect to mention the structural causes of the poverty established by western business interests and that the continent of Africa is poor by design not chance .They also moan that they are more than capable of sorting out their own problems. A number of countries already have had Ebola outbreaks for instance, Nigeria and Senegal had outbreaks and they dealt with them effectively. DR Congo has had a couple of Ebola outbreaks, and they also have dealt with them. They then point Africa is a continent made of diverse cultures and societies, not just one giant land mass of  starving and sick black babies. Yet it’s pretty obvious all the naysayers are just jealous they didn’t get to “hang” with Harry Styles from 1D.

Anyway, Bobs shot down any arguments that critics critiqued him. When asked what he thought of those who said that if rich pop stars all “paid their taxes in the correct way then we wouldn’t need charity singles”, Geldof with the intellectual rigor of a Mensa on steroids he dismantled that argument point by point  and fact by fact, leaving no one in any doubt that that was a preposterous assertion with the reply: “I think they’re talking bollocks.” Then when he was asked what he thought of the fact some said it was “patronising and paternalist” again, he tore that argument to shreds, reduced it to an intellectual pile of rubble when replied. “Bollocks.” Then he was asked if he thought maybe it was time he “Got a haircut”, again he replied “Bollocks.” Finally he was asked what his favourite part of Bono’s anatomy was, which he stated, this time we cheeky grin on his face “Bollocks.”

So people need to get off the Bobo hate fiesta and get with the program. Africa needs Sir Bob and Lord Bono and we need Africa to need Bobo, because we feel they need to be needed. As a society we need to take a big look in the mirror and ask ourselves “If we can’t care for the egocentric whims of obscenely rich talentless super stars, then who can we care for?”