THEY MEAN : McDonald’s brand mission is to take something as inane as eating a burger and turn it into someone’s favourite way to eat and drink, as if eating a particular bit of food has a certain correct way to it other the use of hands and mouth. We do this on the assumption that people’s lives are so devoid of meaning and purpose that a multi-billion dollar food conglomerate holds some kind of importance in their life and cultural identity. All our stores worldwide are aligned into our Plan to Plunder, related to things with the letter P – Profiting, Perception, Persuading , Pretending, Pillaging, Profiting, Programming, exPloitation, and, of course, Profiting. We are committed to making as much money as possible independent of the adverse impact on the planet and people’s health.

McDonald’s Values

THEY SAY: “We place the customer experience at the core of all we do. Our customers are the reason for our existence. We demonstrate our appreciation by providing them with high quality food and superior service in a clean, welcoming environment, at a great value. Our goal is quality, service, cleanliness and value (QSC&V) for each and every customer, each and every time.”

THEY MEAN: We place getting the customer’s money at the core of all we do. Taking their money is the reason for our existence. To demonstrate how stupid customers really are, we charge them for below-average products at above-average prices, and do so in a relatively sterile and faux-friendly manner, fooling them into thinking it’s an equal exchange, when, it fact, we make massive profits on each and every consumer, each and every time. Then when they are finished with their gluttonous feast, we leave them, free of charge, with this weird feeling of still being hungry whilst simultaneously feeling sick.

THEY SAY: “We are committed to our people. We provide opportunity, nurture talent, develop leaders and reward achievement. We believe that a team of well-trained individuals with diverse backgrounds and experiences, working together in an environment that fosters respect and drives high levels of engagement, is essential to our continued success.”

THEY MEAN: We are committed to our people, in particular our shareholders and CEO. We provide opportunity for humans to learn automated robotic tasks, and pay them their bare minimum in return for the gradually sucking away of their McSouls. We believe that a team of well-trained human-bots with no union to support them will provide the colossal profits we aim for. We pay them so little that in our company in-house budget advice we encourage them to get a second job, and not to eat. I McShit you not.

THEY SAY: “We believe in the McDonald’s System. McDonald’s business model, depicted by our ‘three-legged stool’ of owner/operators, suppliers, and company employees, is our foundation, and balancing the interests of all three groups is key.”

THEY MEAN: We believe in the McDonald’s System. McDonald’s business model, depicted by our “triangle” of emperor, merchant, and peasants, is our foundation, and balancing the interests to ensure power and profit flow to the top is our biggest and only priority.

THEY SAY: “We operate our business ethically. Sound ethics is good business. At McDonald’s, we hold ourselves and conduct our business to high standards of fairness, honesty, and integrity. We are individually accountable and collectively responsible.”

THEY MEAN: We operate our business ethically within the parameters of how we define ethics. The appearance of sound ethics is good business. At McDonald’s, we hold ourselves and conduct our business to high standards of what makes a business super profitable, that is, greed, zero empathy, lacking any scruples, the willingness to exploit labour, excellent perception management, manipulation through advertising (in particular with children), and, of course, integrity ;). We are individually accountable and collectively responsible for fuck all, except making massive profits.

THEY SAY: “We give back to our communities. We take seriously the responsibilities that come with being a leader. We help our customers build better communities, support Ronald McDonald House Charities, and leverage our size, scope and resources to help make the world a better place.”

THEY MEAN: We give back to our communities just enough to seem like we care. We take seriously the responsibilities that come with aiming for infinite growth on a finite planet. We are so cynical and unscrupulous in perception management, we are even willing to be seen helping sick children to shamelessly build our brand. We could just donate the money anonymously, but instead we insist that our work with children’s hospitals is branded “Ronald McDonald House Charities,” since no one gets anything free in this world, even sick children. So for a price, we help our customers build better communities, support Ronald McDonald House Charities, and leverage our size, scope and resources to help make the world think we want the world to a better place when, in fact, all we want to do is make a lot of money.

THEY SAY:“We grow our business profitably. McDonald’s is a publicly traded company. As such, we work to provide sustained profitable growth for our shareholders. This requires a continuous focus on our customers and the health of our system.”

THEY MEAN: We grow our business profitably. You can pretty much ignore all the bullshit above and just remember the first sentence in this paragraph. We are about profit, money, market share and profit. Did I mention we are about profit?

THEY SAY: “We strive continually to improve. We are a learning organization that aims to anticipate and respond to changing customer, employee and system needs through constant evolution and innovation.”

THEY MEAN: We strive continually to improve our profits. We are a learning organization that aims to anticipate and respond to customers eventually learning how rank our food really is, and balancing that out with more aggressive advertising campaigns. Remember, people are inherently stupid, and if you show them enough advertisements of happy people loving life to the sound of catchy jingles while eating McDonald’s, that shit will embed itself into the subconscious. It will then compel them to eat the crap we sell no matter how much logic or how many facts tell them otherwise. As employees try to gain better wages and more rights, we will use our billions of dollars in profits to lobby governments to counter that, and find ways, any ways, to ensure we pay them as little as possible. The same method applies to those worried about the environment. We will learn ways to obscure our supply chain so we can get the cheapest possible supplies, ensuring our gargantuan profits, all the while investing in slick advertising telling the world otherwise.

THEY ARE: At McDonald’s, we are like a gluttonous, selfish, greedy child. Even though we make billions, we want to make more. Even though we have hooked millions of people onto the crap we sell, we want a million more to eat our garbage. Even though people’s consumption of what we produce is unsustainable and is accelerating the destruction of planet Earth, we genuinely do not give a flying McFuck. Why? Because we make lots of money, and we fucking McLove it…